One of my deepest passions in life is building community.

Do you have a place where you feel like you belong?

At work and in life, I confess I didn't feel like I had a place where I felt true belonging until I understood how to create it.

For years living without it bothered me, but I didn’t know what to do about it. So isolation ensued.

People would tell me, “You shouldn’t feel like that . . . you know you belong.”

Maybe I did, but I certainly didn’t feel it.

Hearing others tell me I belonged wasn’t enough. As much as I wanted it, it didn’t work. I wished it were that simple.

Early in my career, I felt alone . . . the battle is always at my door and I am still fighting it, but now I am winning and I am helping others win too.

I get the sense that I’m not the only one who has these feelings; am I right?

What can be done?

All change begins by deciding.

I decided to use my past experiences to motivate myself to help others today.

My personal mission was birthed out of pain felt by self-isolation and the desire to see the best residing in others come into the world. This desire was bigger than my fear of failing and helped me lay a foundation in leading teams effectively.

Shepherding others at work and in life has become my expression of caring and my commitment to practice following shepherding principles. When we know ourselves, knowing what to do becomes easier.

You can live your mission too!

Here’s mine!

How can a mission help improve your leadership?

Having focus and starting with Why (Simon Sinek) can mean the diffence between giving up and staying the course.

In my case, I don't want anyone to suffer a life without belonging. I really don't. I bet you don’t either. What could the world be like if everyone felt like they belonged?

But, it doesn’t happen by itself. We know that. Connecting people requires action by people who lead.

I take to heart the lesson from Brene Browne who wrote,

"…the brokenhearted are the bravest among us because they got past their egos and busted their hearts out of that prison so they could love."

Is that you?

Belonging has two parts

I discovered that belonging requires two parties; one seeking belonging and the other extending an invitation.

The Invitation: belonging is not easily initiated by the one desiring to belong. We know that. You’ve probaly experienced it. Instead, it comes first through Invitation. Invitation from the bravest among us. It could be you.

Do you have what it takes to help others belong?

If so, please extend the invitation to those around you. Be the change you desire to see.

Invite others into your world

Ever been to a party?

Of course you have. Most parties I've attended begin with a reason to gather. Some even have a theme.

Before the party, the organizer draws up a list of invitees and makes decisions on who to invite. When you are on the list, you receive an invitation. That feels good to be invited.

The Response: This is straight forward. The invitee has a decision to make; accept or decline.

What happens when you don't receive an invitation?

Well, we know what you can't do is invite yourself to someone else's party.

Why?

. . . because those not invited don't belong.

What else?

. . . well you could become the leader others are waiting to follow and invite others to come with you. You could pick yourself.

The secret to belonging

I believe the best leaders live their lives from a spirit full of gratefulness. In whatever state, knowing that each moment, as long as it lasts, was gift not to be wasted, but to be given. Giving from the heart to others who need it satisfies the soul.

The power of belonging

Everyone needs belonging. The knowing that someone cares for them; a condition of the human heart we cannot easily deny.

I'm guessing one probably could trace this need back to birth. From the beginning, we deeply desire someone, anyone who might lay down their personal desires for us. A person that might love us for who we are right now; especially when we are helpless.

We look to attach to the one that brought us life or perhaps saved us from death. These precious moments bring opportunity for lasting attachment.

Invitations matter

As adoptive parents, my wife and I understand the importance of attachment. It is a real thing and not to be taken for granted. In our experience, we learned some children are deeply challenged to attach, regardless of what age an adoption occurs.

I think this can also happen to others; team members who don't feel like they belong. They might not even know why.

Do we care enough to wonder? The best leaders do.

Not saying that we can solve a long-standing problem, but what if we refused to contribute to the problem and focus our energy on creating new opportunities for connection? Could that make a difference? I think about this and try.

Our challenge

I've observed some people don't seem to have the capacity to attach. They may not feel they are good enough, smart enough, good looking enough. It could be anything . . . really.

It troubles me to think there are so …. many …. people …. that prefer to live their one and only life in a state where no other might truly know them. We see it everyday don’t we?

I feel compassion for them. Not only for them, but for others they might have been able to touch, save, or encourage had they been able to connect.

We will never know how many have lived and left without making the contribution they were designed to give.

I refuse to believe that it has to be that way. If we are the leaders others are waiting for, we can leave people better than we found them. And we can do it together. We can do it right now.

We can extend the invitation; the invitation of belonging.

While we may not be able to invite everyone, we can invite someone.

“How?”, you ask.

We begin by including them as we think about the future. We include them in our vision, the mission, and make a place for them to contribute. When everyone has a place where they feel cared for we build a brighter future.

Engaging people on their terms; not ours

This is where leaders worth following make the deepest impact on their organizations and lives. Embracing the shepherding principle of how to engage others works. We do it on their terms, not ours. Following this principle opens the door to belonging.

Once we realize that our life is best lived in service of others we become free to live from our identity.

The passion we seek to fuel our lives doesn’t come from doing a thing, it comes from the power of embracing who we are and letting actions flow.

Think.

What point is it to lead a company, an organization, or a nation when people are not at center of a noble cause?

Without people does what we do make much of a difference?

I believe, “Belonging happens when people feel accepted in their incomplete state.”

Making the connection

While belonging is free. There is cost.

Why? Because belonging is risky.

Traits of belonging . . .

True belonging does require sacrifice.
Belonging may come with tears.
It’s fruit produces joy and possibly even seeds of eternity.

As one seeking belonging, we too have a responsibility. When the gift of belonging is offered we can choose to connect through common ground of shared values and vision,

We know we belong when . . .

others accept us despite our shortcomings
we contribute and feel appreciated
our work is valued even when it isn't perfect
we feel like celebrating team successes and console teammates when failure comes
our group cares for our feelings
we choose vulnerability over self-interest

Does the leader really have a responsibility?

Uh. Yes.

What is the leaders responsibility to ensure team members feel like they belong?

First, we recognize that people without connection are people with reduced contribution.

This means people that can't connect have difficulty contributing. Their obstructed ability to collaborate increases flight risk.

Therefore, our responsibility as leader is to give them opportunities to connect.

How do we do this?

Short conversations where they are the center when non-work topics come up
Opportunity to share good and/or bad experiences
Sharing meals together
Purposefully calling out out each team members strong points
Public recognition and private affirmation
Connecting on-line when in person meetings aren't possible

Conclusion

You know in your mind that you have worth, but you might not feel it. If that is not you, maybe it is the person sitting next to you.

Believe me. Each of us are enough. But, we do need each other.

I understand that feelings can creep in and blur our identify which can reduce the chance for us to connect with others. Conflict between who we are, who we think others think we are, and where we want to be swirl continuously in our mind.

As leader, when we observe such things in our teammates, our responsibility is shining the light of clarity, bringing an inclusive vision and personal caring to show the way. When we do, we become a leader worth following. We become a Shepherd Leader.

Want other ideas on how to create belonging? Check out Radha Agrawal’s book, Belong.

The Leader Creates Belonging